"i think about HIM so i don’t have to think about ME."
drink, drank, drunk
anyway you wanna look at, it’s still called a relapse. i guess. i don’t know. do i even have a problem with alcohol? am i really a drug addict? sometimes i still question these things. sometimes i wonder if i can still drink or smoke pot a few times a month & be okay. sometimes i think i can control myself, sometimes i’m not so sure.
& the countdown begins
things have been strange… so simple, yet so complex. i have been reaching out for help lately, but reaching in all the wrong directions. maybe i’m doing it on purpose? maybe i’m just sabotaging myself? maybe i’m asking for certain people to help me because i know they will not be there? maybe i really just don’t want the help anymore, maybe i’m ready to just quit.
i honestly don’t know how much longer i’ll be willing to put up with everything. i’m trying, but merely surviving stopped being enough of a “reason” for me a few months ago. i’ve only tried to kill myself once before — may 12th 2010. i still wonder why my mom had to come into my room & find me. i question why i actually took & drank the charcoal that made me throw-up the 200 pills at the hospital. sometimes i even get mad at myself, mad that i wasn’t permanently damaged or dead. i’ve been thinking about it more & more, each day it becomes harder to resist.
"houses are not haunted. we are haunted & regardless of the architecture with which we surround ourselves, our ghosts stay with us until we ourselves are ghosts."
my name is
blahh. i got so drunk - a full bottle of wine & a 40 of beer. god i don’t even know what to do with myself. i finally left robbie and gauge’s house after like forever. i’m wasted & i have nothing to do. i’m hanging out with my aunt tomorrow so i reallllllly hope i don’t have a horrible hangover. also, i’m talking to laine right now on facebook. it’s been awhile. i was texting/calling chris all night but he would not answer my calls & kept texting me back with smart-ass responses. i really needed him tonight. i really just need him in general. why do i fucking love that kid so god damn much?!
